People Pleasing – Returning To Self Love
Let’s face it, we are all guilty of people pleasing from time to time. It is one of the most subconscious wiring we use without even knowing about it daily. Why is that and how we came to it. In this article, we will not only dive where it originated from, but also what it is, and what signs to look for especially if you are suffering from “people pleasing” disorder.
Yes, believe it or not, “people pleasing” is a personality disorder that originates from self-love. It falls under the category of “avoidant personality disorder” which portrays fear of disapproval, embarrassment, being ridiculed or easily influenced by others. If you have not read my previous (prequel) article on how to master the art of self-love, you can do so here.
Even if you read it before, I strongly recommend to refresh on it anyway as it was written 2 years ago as Valentine’s addition. Without truly understanding “self-love” concept, you will not understand this sequel.
So what does “people pleasing” mean? We all are guilty of it from time to time. The term “people pleaser” refers to a person who has a strong urge to please others, usually out of their own expense. What this means is that the person is consistently striving to please others while sacrificing their own wants, needs or desires along the process. They may often feel that their own wants and needs do not matter, or alter their personality around others forgoing their own happiness.
Signs of People Pleasing Behaviors
You have an idea by now whether people pleasing is habitual to you but how do you know whether you fall in this category. Luckily, there are a few signs indicating some behavioral patterns that may assist you to further diagnose whether you are indefinitely a people pleaser.
You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you. In order to mitigate conflict around people and subject, you tend to agree with people. This stems of avoidant personality disorder. By agreeing with the topic discussed, you are avoiding conflict.- You cannot find yourself to say no. This is because you are too conscious of hurting someone else’s feelings even if you are not in agreement with them. You prefer not to engage in conflicts so it is easier to go along with their theories.
- You struggle with authenticity. This is part of blocked Throat Chakra. You are afraid to reveal your true identity by voicing your own truth and acceptance. You feel that the new you will not be accepted by other people.
- You feel responsible for how other people feel. As an Empath and conscious of other people’s feelings, you feel it is your duty not to engage in confrontational conversations with others as they may get hurt in the process. In this instance, you prefer to remain agreeable vs disagreeing with them, even if you feel otherwise.
- People making you feel guilty if you spoke the truth because they felt responsible for other people’s feeling. This is more common than you think. For example, if someone asked you how they looked in appearance and you spoke the truth, someone else will make you feel guilty for giving your honest answers. This incident happened to me in high school. One of the girl’s in my class asked whether she looks chubby. I answered truthfully and mindfully, but she still took it as an offence and complained to her friend. Her friend in return then had a conversation with me. Instead of facing what the answers could have been, this particular girl played victim. If you have similar incidents, you would feel responsible for how other people feel.
- You pretend to agree with everyone. Still part of avoidant personality disorder. You feel that if you agree with everyone, there will be less arguments and conflicts. Even less drama because some people can over react to little things. Not everyone is geared to handle anything thrown their way. This could very well be people disagreeing with them.
- Avoiding disagreements. We already covered this one in others as they are all interconnected to each other. Sometimes you feel it is easier to agree than to disagree to conserve your time and energy, especially if you are a busy person who does not have time for additional stress and drama.
- Avoiding conflicts. You go to great lengths to avoid conflict so that you do not have to be answerable to your actions. In order to avoid all conflicts, you even form a new temporary identity. I call it embodying a chameleon.
Chameleon
If you know anything about chameleons, they are the masters of disguise. They have the ability to change colors to camouflage any environment. It is part of their survival tactic. They can adjust so well to their environment in order to most successfully survive and reproduce.
People pleasers usually embody the characteristic traits of a chameleon to camouflage their fear of getting involved in the form of avoidance. To people pleasers, it is easier to camouflage their disagreements into agreements than to create any conflict among others. It is all part of their survival tactics. Most people pleasers would not even know that this is one of their survival traits.
So in order to fit around people, be it family, friends, colleagues, business acquaintances, they find themselves throwing a protective layer in order to feel safe and protected. By pleasing everyone, they make themselves likable, and camouflages a safety net. By stepping into the chameleon, just like they change to adjust to the environment, they camouflage themselves to seek assurance from people that matter to them. Instead of looking for validation from within, they are typically seeking it in others.
Seeking Acceptance
People who tend to have low self-esteem, encountered some form of negligence during their childhood from their parents or first caregivers. The neglect part then formed a pattern as an adult to constantly find the need to seek an approval.
Those who constantly seek acceptance from people, place a wall in a form of defense. Disguising their true feelings then becomes a second nature.
If you have a hard time deciding on your own or feel unhappy when others disagree with you, you might be an approval seeker. A need for approval now and then may be part of human relationships, but seeking approval from others every step of the way may signal an emotional dependency for acceptance.
Root Causes
We spoke about various ways people pleasing can be diagnosed especially if you had a few from the given checklist. What causes people to gear into people pleasing? The following root causes will help you to understand where it comes from.
Often trauma driven through lack of parental attunement, becomes a big part of people pleasing. Parents are often too caught up in their own problems than to tend to their children and what they are experiencing, feeling and thinking.
Other form of abuse can be through relationships such as partnerships.
- Neglect – Stemming from childhood trauma when you were not shown that you were worthy enough. This could have stemmed from your grandparents, parents and siblings. In adulthood, people pleasing behaviors evolve as a way to maintain connection and closeness with parents who are inconsistently unavailable to their children.
- Low self-esteem – Stemming from childhood especially if there were certain type of expectations from parents while growing up. In the adulthood, people who feel that they are worthless than others may feel their needs are unimportant as they were made aware of not being “good enough” to their parents.
- Cultural preconditioning – Often passed down from ancestors until someone breaks the pattern. While growing up, it was expected from kids not to speak their mind or truth. No matter if those who were older had wrong ideology, patterns or their way of thinking regarding matters, it was not in the culture to speak back or voice truth, leading to suppressed emotions.
- Fear of rejection – Fear of not fitting in. They may advocate for themselves less or have less awareness of what they want. They may also feel that they have no purpose if they cannot help others.
- Fear of creating boundaries – Because we are wired to automatically protect ourselves in different ways, especially if you have experienced trauma as a child or partnered abuse, you would not feel safe maintaining certain boundaries in the fear of being severely punished. You may have learned it was safer to do what other people wanted vs taking care of your needs first.
Setting Boundaries
Now that you are more spiritually evolved and shifted into a higher consciousness, you can break the cycle. You can heal all the areas so that you understand your worth. You can create healthy boundaries between you vs the world in the most compassionate but firm way.
You do not have to worry about the consequences anymore. You have grown spiritually to be able to say no to anything that no longer suits you. In the process, you may create a bit of conflict with close family and friends, but in the long haul, you will heal your earlier traumas.
Simply understand that you no longer have to feel weighed down by anything that is not in alignment for your highest and greatest good.
Forgiveness
If you know that you have to forgive people and circumstances in order to move forward, do so. Remember, you are forgiving because of you, not because of anything else. The sooner you apply forgiveness, the sooner you will be free from the confinements of your past.
This is an important step that cannot be missed for you to heal and move forward. Those who live in resentment only harm themselves in body and mind. So many health issues reside where there’s resentment and anger.
Take your power back and take the leap of faith for being enough. Only you can make this change from within. If you found this article running home, make a list of how you can make some changes when it comes to creating healthy boundaries, be at workplace, family, friends, and clients.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed if you want to set boundaries. It is your given right to look after your needs rather than the world. When you are at a better place, everything else will shift around you, and that could very well be people and things.
I pray that this article finds you well. If you wish to purchase any of my services, click here. Feel free to share this article if it resonates. Thank you and much blessings.
Know your journey, know your connection.
Twin Flame Union
